“Don't worry, she'll be here any minute.” The best man whispers those supposedly calming words in your ear.

He is, of course, taller and handsomer than you, younger and slimmer as well, unless it's your older brother. In which case he's revelling in your suffering, he can't wait for the speeches.

Brother or not however, today it feels as if the best man is, in all ways, superior to you.

Your voice in reply is a little high. “I'm not worrying.” Is he blind? Is he illiterate.

Doesn't he understand the meaning of the verb worry. No, worrying doesn't begin to describe it.

The last time you were this nervous was when you were eleven and you had broken your dad's trouser press trying to hot glue his favourite pipe back together. He was just hanging his coat up downstairs and you hadn't even got around to clearing up the sick that had resulted from your efforts to emulate Sherlock Holmes.

“Anyway, it's fashionable to be late.” “What? You know I hate being late.” No one has ever accused you of being fashionable and everyone who knows you have no fashion sense whatsoever. “Not you, you dummy. And it's only five minutes.” He's on BMT. Best man time. You are on GMT and that's not Greenwich Mean Time.

Five minutes to the groom comes from a completely different time zone. BMT minutes are GMT hours.

He looks at his expensive watch. “I think my watch is fast.”

Apart from the fact it's the watch you bought him as the traditional gift from Groom to Best Man you know he's lying.

You've suddenly got the same feeling you had after Sherlock Holmes had inhaled his second puff of Navy rough shag.

Everyone can sense your discomfort, they're all shuffling around, whispering about you.

Even the best man looks away, embarrassed by your pathetic efforts to appear calm.

You'll never live this down … what?

Either someone has just injected you with morphine or the music has started.

Yes, thank the Lord, it's the music and she's here.

You lean close to the best man, your best mate.

“Calm down buddy. After all, one of us has to stay cool.”